I have been a bit gloomy the last few days. But this morning I got some revelation on my blues and now my perspective is back to optimism. It has been a rather emotional transition the last 6 months. We moved away from the familiar world I grew up in and relocated to the mountains of Western North Carolina.
While I love my new surroundings, my heart is torn with grief because my twelve year old son decided to stay in Florida to live with his father. I've had custody of him since we separated before his first birthday. I have home schooled him since the beginning. But I really felt I needed to let him decide (and his father made it clear he was going to fight for custody anyway.) SO, we packed up our world and took our four other children and moved three states away from my firstborn.
I've been so raw, I haven't wanted to write about it at all. Even talking about it tears my soul. I know enough about healing not bury my pain and expect to grow or move forward. So here I am, publically processing.
I miss him so much. I wish he would have chosen me, us. His siblings don't understand. They are so little still. My second son is only 7. My husband is incredibly supportive, but none of them grasp my sorrow. I trust the Lord. He is worthy and I know it will somehow work out for good because He said so. He can't lie. I believe Him. Still, I struggle with this pain. I give it to Him daily, hourly, sometimes moment by moment. And He keeps propelling me to press on.
Blogging is part of my pressing. I never would have thought of it, if HE hadn't encouraged me to do it. So, for Him, I'm blogging. Because He thinks it's a good idea. Because it is His idea. Even if no one else ever reads this. I know He is. I don't know why He wants me to do it, but I guess it doesn't matter really. Obedience brings blessings, and that's good enough for me.
Be blessed,
Kathryn
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